


To the boy who I said I loved

by thisshitsstupidbutwhatever (orphan_account)



Category: My Own Head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22290958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/thisshitsstupidbutwhatever
Summary: I lied.





	To the boy who I said I loved

Poems  
You know about what.

You’re a liar   
A cheater   
A pumpkin eater  
Are your pants on fire?   
Because all I see is a liar

Did you lie?  
All of the small words you whispered to me right before I fell asleep?  
The small things you said in between kissing me  
The things we told no one  
Did you lie?

The plans we made  
The hands you held   
The lips you kissed  
The eyes you poured your soul into  
Was it all fake?

I can’t miss you  
The lies, the cheating,the lack of trust  
I can’t miss you when I never knew you

I knew when I held you,  
When we slow danced to the music I liked,   
When I looked into your eyes and sang to you the lyrics I felt,  
You were stiff,  
You were wearing a mask  
I knew when I held you.

Promises suck.  
Lies suck.  
Truth sucks.  
Love sucks.  
You suck, loser.   
Is this directed at him or me?

I gave you my everything in minutes,   
You had everything you wanted,  
And you gave it to her.   
And she said “No, thanks!”

The saying “We fell and hit the ground running” lied.  
I fell but you ran. 

You don’t cross his mind,  
Your name doesn’t hurt him,  
The music doesn’t make him cry,  
His thoughts don’t upset him,  
So why is it like that for you?

You asked me out,  
You told me you loved me,  
You sang to me,  
You lied to me,  
You cheated on me,  
And it was all in the bathroom. 

“I don’t, I promise.   
I love you.  
You’re my everything.  
I love you.  
I’m so lucky to have you.  
I love you.  
She doesn’t mean anything to me.  
I’m ending everything tonight.  
I love you.”  
What else did you lie about? 

I knew it was too good.   
I knew I fell quick.  
I knew we moved too fast.  
I knew you were there too long.  
I knew you never loved me.  
I knew you lied.  
But if I knew, why did I stay?

Stages  
Stage 1: Missing the Future  
Stage 2: Missing the Past  
Stage 3: Reaching out for help   
Stage 4: Memories  
Stage 5: Anger  
Stage 6: Numbness

Repeat every so often

You don’t take a place in my heart anymore. She is not a rebound, she is not a distraction. If anything, El was. She walked into my heart and used her lyrics and writing to build cathedrals. She repaired the damage, she fixed my trust. I trust her. You were nothing more than a piece of gum on the bottom of my Vans. Under there, forgotten, but annoying as fuck.   
She is so much better than you. Do you know that? She actually cares, she actually says she loves me and means it. She loves me. She proves you wrong. I’m not disgusting, I am not this unlovable monster. Because she loves me, and I don’t love you. I never did. My heart is hers, what she does with it is her responsibility.   
She could break my heart, and she’d still do it better than you did. I would even let her break my heart. You will never get that chance again. You left the old me heartbroken. You taught me how exactly to not treat a girl. To not tell her that you’re falling even before you date, even before you ever spoke a word. You keep your mouth shut until they open theirs first. I knew the second I saw her, the second I texted my RoD. Holy shit there’s this really cute girl in my world Civ. I knew right then and there.   
Just because there was so many obstacles to get there, to get her out and into my arms: I don’t care who I hurt. As long as it wasn’t her or my RoD. Everyone else could perish.   
I will hold her close. I will fight off the darkness in her room at night. I will fight the shadows that haunt her. I will fight for her like you never fought for me. I will be better than you’re lazy excuse of a person.


End file.
